Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
