If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
