i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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