I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
