I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
