Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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