Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
