I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
