Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
