im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
