Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
