I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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