If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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