My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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