how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
