haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
