I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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