My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
