I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
