I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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