my phone needs a breathalizer
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she pinky promised me she was 18
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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