In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
