I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
