only if we run a train.
done.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
