I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
