And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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