So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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