I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
