pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
