it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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