I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I cut my penus on the lid.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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