she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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