Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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