I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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