my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
