I accidentally burped into my bong.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
