walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
