you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
