my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
