I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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