I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
