I think I died a long time ago.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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