Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
