I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
