I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
