Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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