The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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