The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
