Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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