If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
