i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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