apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
