Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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