I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
