wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
