moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
