On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
