I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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