I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
