Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize