It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
