tell your sister to shave her snatch
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
