Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
