somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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